How to identify a gaslighter and what to do


Parents can gaslight their children, Dr Sarkis says

“Gaslighting is ‘a form of domestic violence’ – and children can be victims too”, Anna Kelsey-Sugg, Areej Nur, ABC radio Life Matters, 21.04.19

If reality TV show Married at First Sight taught us anything, it’s what gaslighting can look like.

Even if you don’t know the term, you might have recognised the behaviour.

Take Sam saying to Elizabeth things like, “Why are you so angry?”, “You need to calm down”, and “You’ve lost your mind”, when she wants to know why he’s ignored her calls for a week.

That’s “classic gaslighting”, says Stephanie Sarkis, a US therapist who has authored a book on the topic.

And it can be responsible for more than high-drama television: Dr Sarkis says it’s “emotional abuse” that can develop into physical abuse.

“We do need to take this as seriously as a form of domestic violence,” Dr Sarkis says.

And because gaslighters are “so good at manipulating”, she says anyone can be the victim of one.

Even children.

Dr Sarkis says parents can gaslight too, creating instability and confusion at home.

‘The goal is to make you question your reality’

‘Gaslighting’ describes a series of manipulative behaviours, and takes its name from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 play Gas Light, later adapted into a film starring Ingrid Bergman. In it, a husband slowly manipulates his wife into thinking she’s becoming insane. The term has seen a surge in popularity over the past few years.

So what is a gaslighter out to achieve?

“The goal is to make you question your reality and become more dependent on the gaslighter for your wellbeing,” Dr Sarkis says.

“The gaslighter wants to make sure that you don’t make any moves without their OK first and that you give all your attention to them.

“It’s all about power and control.”

Dr Sarkis says there are some clear red flags when it comes to gaslighting behaviour.

A gaslighting partner might hide your belongings, for example, then tell you you’re irresponsible for losing them.

They might cheat, then accuse you of cheating, despite no evidence to suggest it.

They can also isolate you from those closest to you, “so they have you all to themselves”, Dr Sarkis says.

“Particularly, they go after people who are near and dear to you,” she says.

“[They might say] ‘other people think you’re crazy’, pitting people against you, saying that a relative said something that they really didn’t say that was derogatory towards you.”

If it’s very difficult to express criticisms or discuss with a partner what’s not working well in a relationship, that’s another red flag, according to Dr Sarkis.

“If you say, ‘I’d really like to talk to you about something’, the person will disappear on you, or they’ll change the subject or they’ll do anything they can to not talk about their own failings,” she says.

“They don’t feel like they have any failings.”

And it’s not just partners who can be gaslighters.

Parents can also target a child with gaslighting behaviour, Dr Sarkis says, which can begin when a child begins to develop an independent spirit or starts to say no to things.

“That’s when the gaslighter starts really letting out their anger,” Dr Sarkis says.

She says gaslighter parents “tend to have a golden child and a scapegoat child, and those roles reverse at will”.

“So you’ll either be the child that can do no wrong or the child that can do no right, and the next day you are the exact opposite,” she says.

“It gets extremely confusing to kids and there’s no stability in that type of parent-child relationship.”

Gaslighting can also manifest in friendships.

A person who is “pathologically envious” of a friend, for example, might “try to sabotage your relationship with your partner or spouse”, Dr Sarkis says.

They may also try to pit your children, neighbours and other friends against you, she says.

‘The best thing you can do is just go’

If you’ve identified a toxic gaslighter in your life, Dr Sarkis says there are some swift measures you should take.

“First, if you’re concerned about your safety, contact your local resources and domestic violence resources just to make sure that your safety is kept to number one,” she says.

“If you’re in a relationship with [a gaslighter] and you don’t have children, the best thing you can do is just go.”

Next? “Make sure that they don’t have access to you,” Dr Sarkis says.

She recommends blocking the person’s phone numbers and emails, and telling your friends and family not to pass on any messages from that gaslighter.

Dr Sarkis says the gaslighter might try a method called “hoovering” — to try to get back their partner “through any means necessary”.

“Because they need this attention and when they don’t have that attention from you, they will seek it out in pathological means,” she says.

If you have children with the gaslighter, it’s more complicated than just blocking them.

Dr Sarkis recommends creating a detailed parenting plan that establishes boundaries, and includes details such as where and when to exchange children, and what will happen if the other person doesn’t show up.

“You need to have that written out very clearly,” Dr Sarkis says.

And in forming new relationships, Dr Sarkis says we shouldn’t need to keep our guards up, but that it’s a good idea to stay alert to red flags.

“I think we really need to listen to our intuition,” she says.

“We all have a different level of when something feels not right, and I think we really need to listen to that.”

Above all, take ‘mental’ notes and trust your intuition.



As I predicted…with a lot more of this to come


Assange makes a statement outside the High Court in London in February 2016, when he had already spent three years holed up in the Ecuadorian Embassy.

Suelette Dreyfus, ‘EU hails Assange while Australia does nothing’, The Sydney Morning Herald, 18.04.19

The European Parliament passed a law this week to protect whistleblowers across 28 countries, with support from 591 MEPs to just 29 against, while some abstained and some were absent. This new EU “directive” may have been inspired in part by WikiLeaks’ reporting, but it will not help its founder, Julian Assange, who is already sitting in a British high-security prison, Belmarsh, under harsh conditions.

Assange faces a UK charge of skipping bail. He always said he skipped bail because the US government wanted to put him in a US prison. He was correct.

Now the US is attempting to extradite Assange to face criminal proceedings. Its single charge against him is about an event that happened nearly a decade ago – and it is a serious threat to media freedom.

This was the view of many in the meeting rooms at the European Parliament in Strasbourg this week. On Monday night the Parliament’s plenary passed a motion to discuss Assange’s plight. A stream of MEPs from different countries told the chamber of their worry for his safety, proposed giving him asylum in Europe, and insisted he not be extradited to the US.

A few journalists have claimed US criminal proceedings are not a threat to press freedom because “Assange isn’t a journalist”. Why? Because he “just dumped” US military documents, the “War Logs”, in an unredacted form. This is inaccurate.

When WikiLeaks published the Afghanistan War Logs, it withheld more than 15,000 records. Its next major publication, the Iraq War Logs, was more heavily redacted – so much so that other media outlets complained.

Assange is both a journalist and a publisher; he has led fearless news reporting over more than a decade. His digital media outlet has worked like a wire service: it publishes straight, fact-based news pieces, supported by data sets of redacted original material. Media around the globe have taken these news pieces and expanded them by enhancing the stories with local content, as they might with an AP news story.

Traditional media outlets have now copied many innovations by Assange. These include installing anonymous digital drop boxes, publishing large redacted data sets in support of investigative news stories, hiring data science journalists, and encouraging reporters to improve their cybersecurity to protect sources.

I previously worked with Assange, writing the book Underground, and other journalism. What I witnessed was an investigative journalist at work. He had a strong news sense, sought to report the facts accurately, was a good writer, and believed in reporting news in the public interest. Since 2007, he has been a member of the journalists’ trade union, the Media, Entertainment and Arts Alliance.

That the EU Parliament is moving to protect whistleblowers, and many of its members are so concerned about Assange, begs the question: why isn’t the Australian government using its special relationship with Britain to ask for its own citizen to be sent safely home? Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s throw-away lines about Assange’s case raises questions about whether he is a leader who will look after Australians in strife overseas. This is one of the roles of a government.

Labor leader Bill Shorten could easily follow the lead of his British Labour counterpart, Jeremy Corbin, who stated he does not think Assange should be extradited to the US. But he hasn’t yet.

The US criminal charge puts at risk the public interest chain of investigative journalism: the information path of whistleblower from journalist to publisher to the public. This chain depends on technology, particularly for security and anonymity protections. An attack on any part of this chain will weaken this corrective mechanism that exposes corruption in our society.

Whether you agree or disagree with Assange, he has transformed journalism, and turned whistleblowing from a corruption issue into a freedom-of-expression issue. If this extradition goes forward, expect the chill of a coming winter in media freedom.



Two courageous Australians

Although John Pilger and Julian Assange lack class analysis they are two fine Australians. No aping of the US accent here, no Texan pronunciation of ‘Iraq’ nor beginning every response with ‘So…’.

Principles and no servility, unlike that of their culture and government which can’t wait to abandon Assange to the enraged US capitalist class and their agents (that the ‘Christian’ Prime Minister Morrison said that Assange ‘won’t get any special treatment’ by the Australian government to represent him is an early indicator), just as they did Mamdouh Habib and the token white Taliban David Hicks, even while every other country, including Britain, was demanding the return of their citizens from Guantanamo Bay).

I highly recommend this video.

Watch developments as the Australian government (either Liberal or Labor – note the American spelling – post the upcoming federal election), so big and tough in relation to China (but not too much – as ex-PM Abbott said, ‘fear and greed’ are the drivers in Australia’s myopic relations with China), abandons a fine Australian to his fate.



The Sydney Morning Herald – where journalism outdoes science


First Horizon-Scale Image of a Black Hole

Washington; AP, with Liam Mannix, ‘Humanity stares into black hole abyss’, The Sydney Morning Herald  12.04.19

‘…The black hole is about 6 billion times the mass of our sun and is in a galaxy called M87. Its “event horizon” – the precipice, or point of no return where light and matter get sucked inexorably into the hole – is as big as our entire solar system.

Myth says a black hole would rip a person apart, but scientists said that because of the particular forces exerted by an object as big as the one in M87, someone could fall into it and not be torn to pieces. But the person would never be heard from or seen again.’



“All that comes into being deserves to perish”

200 million suns: M60-UCD1, the densest galaxy in the nearby universe

200 million suns: M60-UCD1, the densest galaxy in the nearby universe

This much is certain: there was a time when the matter of our island universe had transformed into heat such an amount of motion – of what kind we do not yet know – that there could be developed from it the solar systems appertaining to (according to Mädler) at least twenty million stars, the gradual extinction of which is likewise certain. How did this transformation take place? We know just as little as Father Secchi knows whether the future caput mortuum of our solar system will once again be converted into the raw material of new solar systems. But here either we must have recourse to a creator, or we are forced to the conclusion that the incandescent raw material for the solar systems of our universe was produced in a natural way by transformations of motion which are by nature inherent in moving matter, and the conditions for which, therefore, must also be reproduced by matter, even if only after millions and millions of years and more or less by chance, but with the necessity that is also inherent in chance.

Friedrich Engels, Dialectics of Nature, Progress Publishers, Moscow, 1976, 37-38



Drama and scale


The Horsehead Nebula


Wisps surrounding the Horsehead Nebula


Images: top/bottom